How do you say I love you?


By Madeline Vann, LPC, CSAC

Over time we all develop rituals that keep us connected and focused. You likely are familiar with the rituals of professionalism – how you prepare and care for your equipment or what you and your team do before leaving and upon return home from a mission. Some of these rituals might be so automatic that you hardly notice them. Yet there’s real anxiety with the thought of not completing them or thinking of others going through with them when you can’t or aren’t a part of that team anymore. 

Turn the same lens to your family and ask yourself, what are the rituals you have in place that let everyone know you love and care for them? What are the rituals that are so precious you would miss them, or be hurt if your loved one completed them with someone else? Do you need to make adjustments and create new rituals? Are there some rituals which have developed unintentionally that you could subtract from your day? Can you and your family members talk about the rituals that matter, from holiday rituals to daily rituals?

Sometimes it helps to get really granular when you’re thinking through this. When people are discontented and disconnected in a family, supportive bonding rituals are often lacking. Instead, either nothing is happening or the negative rituals (such as regular fights or avoidance of unresolvable issues) far outweigh connecting rituals. 

The rituals of connection really need to be daily. Flowers and chocolate and dinner out are a nice ritual for Valentine’s Day, but they don’t replace the less flashy daily moments. And … we have to be flexible about changing rituals as our lives change. 

Most of us could accept that the family bedtime ritual we treasured with our toddlers isn’t going to continue when the same children are teens. Yet we have a harder time adapting intimate rituals to the changing demands and stages in adulthood. From navigating deployments to transitioning out of military service, there are many moments in a military journey that require adjustments. 

Here are some questions to get you thinking about the family rituals you already have, and some you might need:

  1. How do you begin and end the day with your loved ones?
  2. How do you reunite after time apart, whether it’s the workday or a longer separation? Or – how do you stay in touch through time apart?
  3. Where can you build in a six-second kiss and a 20-second hug? (Both are proven to increase bonding. Read more about these Gottman Institute strategies here and give them a try.)
  4. How often do you eat meals together, and what can you do to make those meals more special? (Very seriously, just try adding more candles.)
  5. How do you show gratitude and appreciation to one another? (It may be saying “thank you” or maybe you surprise your spouse or children with a favorite drink or dessert.)
  6. How do you say goodbye when you or someone else is leaving the house – for work, to go out, for a trip? (Do you simply walk away and uber to the next flight?)
  7. What little rituals do you uniquely have with each member of your family? These can be daily, weekly, monthly.
  8. Are there any negative, habitual patterns (which are still rituals) that you might want to remove from your family-life? Are the Gottman Institute’s Four Horsemen present (defensiveness, contempt, criticism and stonewalling)? Can you create rituals around their antidotes?
  9. What small actions do you do to care for your family members? (This might be less noticeable actions such as stocking the pantry with their favorite snacks or more intensive commitments such as planning a vacation around special interests.)
  10. Who initiates sexual intimacy in your marriage? Are there any changes you or your spouse would like to make like how frequently you are intimate or the ways in which you are intimate? (In sex therapy circles, we talk about each partner’s sexual script, and how those scripts do or do not work well together – but you can think of those scripts in terms of rituals as well.)

           Talk about the rituals that you currently have together that work for you – and any rituals you would like to try to add in. You can use this special operations specific check-list, if you want to start a family conversation on your family “SOF Pitfall versus Healthy Checkpoints” norms. Just know that when you come and go for deployment or training as much as SOF do, it should not surprise you if you find you need to work on how you say, “I love you” to  friends and family. Rituals are norms, and it takes a lot of thoughtful intentions to keep these strong in the SOF lifestyle.

      A final thought – as a therapist (and spouse of a retired Navy Special Warfare Combatant Crewman (SWCC) specializing in grief and trauma in military and veteran populations, I’ve noticed many times that the memories that haunt warfighters and their loved ones get in the way of these rituals of connection. I want you to know that you can evict those ghosts, with the help of evidence based therapy delivered by a licensed therapist. I’m happy to help you find the help you need. In the meantime, building more of these connecting rituals into your day will help a great deal. 

     If you’re interested in receiving my “Safe and Connected” chart, developed specifically to reduce conflict and enhance connection in SOF couples, please email me at maddie@therapyowls.com

About the Author 

Madeline Vann, LPC, CSAC, is a therapist in private practice in Williamsburg, VA, and at The Farley Center. Her primary focus is helping mil/vet/first responder and adults in midlife manage trauma, grief, and addiction concerns.

Contact: maddie@therapyowls.com


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