Let’s Talk about Sex
By Madeline Vann, LPC, CSAC
February means Valentine’s Day, and Valentine’s Day can lead to …. hot sex? If that’s not on the menu but you wish it were, maybe it’s time to fine tune your expectations and your approach.
Talking about sex – really, truly getting into the nitty gritty of the discussion – feels like a third rail no one wants to touch. And yet, discrepancies in desire are a huge source of conflict. Sex (or lack of it) has a significant impact on individual well-being and the quality of a relationship. People who have what they feel is good quality sex often enough with their partner also report a higher quality of relationship overall.
Here’s a list of ways to get your sex life back on track, for the decades to come.
- Find ways to connect that aren’t about sex.
Affectionate words and touch over time build or repair the foundation for intimate connection. The friendship that underlies your partnership requires your attention and care daily.
Evidence from the Gottman Institute suggests a daily 6-second kiss and/or a 20-second hug supports feelings of care and connection. Regularly expressing appreciation and gratitude for specific contributions to your marriage or family also improves relationships.
- Get a medical checkup.
Sexual desire and performance can be impacted by a range of medical conditions, depression, stress, and also can be negatively impacted by medications, alcohol use, or supplements. A medical checkup is particularly necessary if you notice a significant change in your health, such as less frequent or nonexistent erections upon waking. This can be an early warning sign of heart disease, but also a side effect of substance use, medications, or depression. Women can benefit from medical support if there is pain with sex.
It is ideal to see a provider who is knowledgeable about the Special Operations Forces (SOF) community, but often that is not a feasible primary care option. The next best option is to find a provider who is curious and willing to spend the time listening to you, and getting you the answers you need. It’s ok to shop around!!!
- Rewrite your script.
Chances are you and your partner have an established habit around sex that we counselors call a sexual script. If that script isn’t working for you both, it’s time to have a conversation about what to change and whether there are some new things one or both of you would like to try.
- Practice mindful touch and intimacy.
Take the time to become fully aware, with all of your senses, of your partner. Try to remain in that space of paying attention with intention throughout your encounter.
- Turn off your inner critic.
The top 1% of the 1% sometimes hold themselves to such high standards that the inner critic makes enjoying sex impossible. Intimacy is more like dinner – some days you can have a five course, five star meal, and other days you’re eating out of a can of beans over the sink. Find ways to silence the part of you that struggles with imperfection. Porn use can amplify the critic, so reduce or quit porn.
- Take care of your overall health and wellbeing.
Anything you do that is heart healthy is going to improve your sexual intimacy. Sometimes this means making some difficult decisions, however. You might need help to stop using alcohol or other substances (including nicotine!) to get better sleep, improve your diet, or exercise more.
- Work hard in couple’s therapy.
Find new and more effective ways to communicate about the issues that might be contributing to simmering anger and resentment. Learning to create safety in your relationship, talk about emotions, and reduce defensiveness, criticism, contempt, and stonewalling will go a long way towards heating up your sex life.
- Treat each other well (you know, like someone you want to sleep with later!). Make and abide by rules that will prevent yelling, name calling, cursing, passive aggressive communication, destruction of property, or physically harming or threatening one another or your children. Get therapy or pastoral support if you can’t manage your reactivity enough to follow these rules.
- Get help for trauma, excess alcohol or substance use, anxiety/depression, and TBI.
These are among the most problematic mental health concerns impacting intimacy and sexual performance. For more guidance on how to find an effective program to help you heal, you can read this quick article about How to Vet a Program.
If you’re interested in receiving my “Safe and Connected” chart, developed specifically to reduce conflict and enhance connection in SOF couples, please email me at maddie@therapyowls.com
About the Author
Madeline Vann, LPC, CSAC, is a therapist in private practice in Williamsburg, VA, and at The Farley Center. Her primary focus is helping mil/vet/first responder and adults in midlife manage trauma, grief, and addiction concerns.
Contact: maddie@therapyowls.com
